Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
