Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
