OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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