LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
