I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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