Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
