I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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