remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
