I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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