Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
