Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
