I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm just crazy horny about you
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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