cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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