My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
