Hey man sorry I got all grabby
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
