Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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