Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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