3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
