I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
