Got a toothbrush?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
