T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
