DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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