I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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