so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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