you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
