the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
