Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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