I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
