Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
