Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
