fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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