"it" just moved
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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