You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
