If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
