Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you inspire me to be a worse person
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
