I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
