we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
