I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
