Your face is a jimmy john
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
