I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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