Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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