god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
