dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
