U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
