I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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