when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
