why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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