Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
