Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
