i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
