Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
