Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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