so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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