I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
