dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's never too late to be topless.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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