I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
