I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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