I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize