i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
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Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.