Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?