Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
